Random ramblings of a Rose…

Heart On His Sleeve

 **disclaimer: if you are mentioned in this post at all (you’ll know if you are), PLEASE do not let it make you feel bad.  That is NOT the point of this AT ALL. I just wanted to share some of my heartache about Jose’s heartache…**

My sweet little Jose...

I would never want Jose to be anyone but exactly who he is.  However, sometimes I hate that he is just like me.  Not because we butt heads (which we do), or because my mom laughs at me seeing that her wish for me to have a child like myself was fulfilled (which she does 😀 ), but because it means he gets his little heart broken all to pieces all the time…  😦

When someone new is introduced to his – how shall I put it – “circle,” he immediately invests his entire being in them, presumes that they do the same, and doesn’t understand when they disappear (whether semi or altogether) from his life.  At not-quite 5yo, the reasons behind their absence – however valid they may be, and they usually are – not only do not mean much to him, but they also don’t do a lot to relieve the ache in his heart.  I realize that people will always come in and out of Jose’s life, and that much of what he’s feeling currently will likely be forgotten over the course of the next few years (though will also just as likely be replaced with new and different experiences), but all that matters right now is that I have a little boy with deep hurt in his heart.  He manages to hide it (or even forget about it) much of the time, but it’s always there under the surface, waiting to pierce him again whenever he’s tired, stressed, worried about something else, angry, etc.

  1. He doesn’t understand why we can’t go and see his “friends” in Iowa and Michigan whenever we want to, and he misses them desperately.  The concept of how money works is so beyond his comprehension at this point, and he asks us to please just go get more from the bank so we can fly to see them.  Or just use our credit cards.
  2. He doesn’t get why his “girlfriend,” after whom he named his pengiun lovie and the subsequent book he published, went to a different school this year, after still being at his school the first week of this year.  Or why his best guy friend just didn’t come back at all.  The fact that their parents needed to put them in different schools for completely understandable reasons doesn’t factor in with him, he just knows that they aren’t with him anymore.  And though he’s started to forget them (which is, I suppose, a good thing), he still remembers them from time to time and asks if we can find them and go on a play date with them.
  3. He knows all the reasons why his uncle had to move across the country, but he prays for him every single night before bed and asks all the time when they can Skype again (difficult to schedule with two different time-zones and two very busy lives), and when he’ll be moving back for good.  I simply haven’t had the heart yet to tell him that his uncle is likely never moving back again, and probably won’t be able to visit very often either.  It’s because he is learning to be an excellent minister, and is actually going to be a Navy chaplain – something wonderfully exciting to which God has called him – but that is so hard for Jose to grasp.
  4. He’s completely at a loss for why his uncle “doesn’t love” (Jose’s words, not mine) his girlfriend anymore, and why – in return – that means that Jose himself doesn’t get to see her anymore, either.  “But I still love her, momma!”  She often features in his “God bless…” list as well.  And I know that his uncle and the girl would have done anything they could have to not have this happen – and that she does love and miss Jose as well – but once again, all Jose gets is that he’s lost another friend.
  5. Most recently, he’s had to find out that one of his all-time favorite adults (outside of family 😉 ) will be exiting his weekly life very shortly.  She has made the excellent and difficult decision to stay home with her baby girl, and I’ve explained that what she wants to do for her baby is the same as I do for him and Squishy every day.  He tells me that he knows that’s good, and that he loves having me at home, but (there’s always a “but”), “When will I get to see her?  She lives sooo far away!”  And really, in the grand scheme of metropolitan big-city life, she’s not THAT far away, but when we don’t see people we love on a regular basis, time just tends to slip away from us.  The majority of his brothers and sisters live w/in an hour of us as well, and how often do we get together with them?  A couple times a year???
  6. I don’t even want to think about October…

Comments on: "Heart On His Sleeve" (4)

  1. So… what happens in October?

    • Well, nothing’s set in concrete yet – as there are many variables – but there is the possibility that his aunts will be moving to separate living quarters, so one can live closer to school and fellow nursing friends/colleagues. We’ll cross that bridge if/when we come to it, but I can’t even imagine how upset he’d be about that.

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