Random ramblings of a Rose…

Posts tagged ‘Death’

Blessing/Curse

Sometimes I hate the brain my children inherited from me. Being intelligent and slightly crazy is a lot of fun and a blessing most of the time, but it can also be a very real curse. Squishy is prone to vivid, often terrible dreams. He has had them probably since infancy as he would wake up screaming and trembling even back then. He just called out to me; when I went to him he told me he had a “horrible” dream:

“We were at Badi’s house. There was a ship next to Badi’s house. My brother got trapped inside and he died. It was horrible. Then Daddy and I drove in a car to the store to get glove-mittens. The glove-mittens were already Daddy’s but he had to get them from the store. He needed them to work on Badi’s house and our house. Then we went back to Badi’s house. Then we went home, and my brother was still dead.”

I don’t put much stock in dream interpretation, but I wish I knew why he dreams things like this so I could help him…

Well, it’s not June!

So, at the close of my last update (around 10 months ago) I hoped that my next blog post wouldn’t happen this June. Well, it’s not June! Oh, dear. I have such good intentions for journals, I really do. And I LOVE buying them, holding them in my hands, looking at them, etc. I’m just terrible at writing in them. I had hoped that doing something on the computer would be more conducive to regular entries, but apparently I was wrong. **sigh** Lol.

Well, here’s a little bit about Jose and Squishy, since they’re the reason I’m here!
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Jose is 7 and in 2nd grade now. He was SUPER anxious about going back to school this year (for the first time ever), but has really jumped into things now that he’s there. After the first day of school, he told Daddy, “Second grade is THE BEST!!! I still don’t want to be back to school, but 2nd grade is the best!” 2nd grade is also a lot tougher, come to find out, though he’s rising admirably to the challenge. Honestly, I think 2nd grade is going to be harder for us as parents than it will be for him, simply because we’re really having to start being active and proactive about making sure that everything is done and that we are assisting him in all the areas we need to be doing so. It’s not beating him down at all, but for me it’s being rather overwhelming. Huge, HUGE drawback to having two full-time working parents, honestly. Because, yes, that’s what the position I took last year has turned into. And I know it’s a God thing, but I’m questioning and struggling with how having this job is going to affect our family and especially Jose’s schooling. Back to Jose, though. He’s doing AR again, and will have the test soon to determine the correct level for him to be focusing on this year. This is also the first year that AR will be part of his reading grade. His teacher is a wonderful lady whose children I watched during my time at the YMCA and I am so happy he got her. He’s with his best friend again this year – another blessing. He’s also been seeing Dr. Beth off and on again to help with how the pressures of everything that’s happened in the past couple of years is bearing down on him. We’ve made behavioral changes, nutritional changes, attitude changes, etc. All in all, I’m pretty pleased with how those things have helped guide him back to a mental path where he feels more secure and able to take on the world with the correct reactions. My only issue right now is a strange lack of communication from Dr. Beth herself, which has never been a problem in the past. Working to resolve that now, but I’m worried that if this continues, it will be negative for Jose. But it’s in God’s hands and that’s where I’ll try to leave it. Outside of all that jazz, Jose has also taken up piano and gymnastics, both of which he has a great love and good deal of talent for. I don’t know where either one of those will take him, if anywhere, but for now, it’s enough that he enjoys what he’s doing. He’s also going to be taking the after-school art classes again at least twice this year. He’s currently enrolled in one of the fall sessions, and he’s planning to attend one in Jan/Feb with his best friend. The two of them are also participating in the school’s elementary art club which is in charge of several art installations which will be going up around campus.

Squishy is a bundle of energy and sunshine – in his 2nd year of preschool (actually considered a Pre-K class due to the material they’ll be working on) and will be having class half-day for the 1st semester and full-day for the second to help prepare for kindergarten next year. Life events have started to cause definite character formation in him, though he is still really working on discovering who he is. He is kind, sweet, and sensitive, but he is all boy and reacts in mind-boggling fashion sometimes to the world around him, lol. He is funny as can be, just like his brother before him, but sometimes a lack of filter gets him in trouble… One thing that has really developed and become apparent in him is just how deeply he feels. It isn’t so much that he wears his heart on his sleeve, but rather that his heart is an endless well, which honestly threatens to consume him sometimes. But, he’s only 4 and still has to figure out how much of himself to give to various parts of his life – right now he wants to give 200% of himself to everything and everyone, and that leaves him stretched really thin. Preschool is going very well and he’s having a blast! He loves his two teachers this year (Miss Michelle, whom Jose also had, and Miss Jen, who is new) and wants to do everything in his power to never disappoint them. He’s having some trouble with classmates simply because there are a lot of very strong personalities in the class this year, and he is one of the youngest students, but he’s really making strides in standing up for himself, knowing when to walk away, and knowing when to involve a teacher. Also (and this is a big blessing!) he’s been doing an EXCELLENT job of remembering to use his words instead of his hands to get his point across. For so long, when he was frustrated, it was simpler to just shove whoever he was angry with, but he’s maturing quickly in his kinder-prep environment and it’s amazing to see the difference between toddler and young man that’s rapidly occurring in him. Squishy is also a spiritual blessing for me. This isn’t to say that Jose isn’t, because he certainly is in his own way, but Squishy just sees things differently. He is very open and perceptive and comes to me with questions, statements, and dreams that often blow me away. He’ll talk about playing with Grandpa Bud (who passed away before Jose was even born) in the backyard, or come sit and tell me about when he was in heaven before he was born. He also has reoccurring dreams about what he calls his “alone house” where all sorts of events take place that are detailed and vivid and often include people he knows in various stages of their lives. It’s a little scary sometimes, honestly, but mostly, I just wish I could sit and listen to him forever before the weight and sin of the world squash whatever this beautiful and innocent spiritual connection he currently has with God out of him.

My two boys are so opposite from one another and yet so alike in sometimes terrifying ways. I wish I could protect them from all loss and hurt, especially since they seem to have experienced both in extraordinary quantities for ones so young. Yes, I realize they have lead charmed lives compared to the great majority of the world’s child population, but in that charmed life, there can still be pain. Friends coming in and out of their lives. Loved ones who are no longer part of their world due to the changing needs and relationships of those who first introduced them. The realization that girls and boys grow up and may not always be able to remain best friends, because of what life dictates (I can’t even listen to “Best of Friends” from The Fox and The Hound without tearing up.) Being teased by friends or family – such a simple silly thing to the ones doing the teasing, but such a blow to the heart of one who sees the world differently. Their aunt, whom they knew for such a short amount of time, yet fell so head over heels for, passing away from cancer this past February. Even simple things like their fish, hamster, or the mama bird at school dying. And there is so much more. It just seems to compound to the point of night terrors, lashing out in anger, and breaking down sobbing for no apparent reason until they realize what the root cause of their heartache is. They love the people in their lives with every fiber of their being and are intense and serious in that love to the point that rejection (even something as small as a roll of the eyes and a, “Really?” regarding a t-shirt worn with such pride prior to said reaction) is a devastating experience.

And my problem and dilemma is one my mother faced with me: Do I sit them down and explain the hard and hurtful truth that not everyone is going to love them or even like them and that they need to toughen up? Or do I allow them to continue pouring themselves out to those they care for, all the while knowing how much hurt that can bring them? Do I rip off their rose-colored glasses or do I let them find out the harsh reality as it happens in time? Do I strip away their childish innocence for the sake of attempting to protect them from further pain, adding onto the glimpses they’ve already caught until they are cynical and flippant, making jokes out of any and every situation? Do I allow them to continue as they are, knowing they’ll be called wimps, pussies, mama’s boys, and worse if I let them cry when they need to cry and allow them to fully experience ALL human emotions? Is there some sort of happy medium between these two extremes???? At least, when it was me, I was a girl so most of those thing were considered more “acceptable” and less likely to make me a target (though I still managed to paint a pretty large bullseye on myself without really being aware of it.) But I’m raising two ultra-sensitive, crazy, loving, neurotic, artistic, athletic, intelligent, inquisitive, passionate, silly, somber (and more!) boys in a world that STILL after ALL this time seems to have a very definite picture of what a “real man” is and what he is not. And I don’t know if I’m prepared to handle the heartache that comes from that.

Now that I’ve rambled quite far down a rabbit trail I didn’t even see I was on, in closing a quote comes to mind (out of context, yes, but the sentiment is the same, entirely):

“‘I can bear pain myself,’ he said softly, ‘but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have.'” ~ Jamie Fraser, Outlander

I’m BAAAAAAAACK!!!

Okay, so I won’t even bother to try and apologize for how long I’ve been away.  Totally my bad.  Sometimes I’m great at this blog thing, sometimes I stink.  More often the latter than the former, lol.  At any rate, let me catch you up on what you’ve missed!

October 2011

  • I discovered Pinterest (I’ll see if I can figure out how to post a link to my page…)
  • I organized our whole kitchen and we stopped using paper towels except for disgusting messes – the boys enjoy using facecloths for everything!
  • Jose found Squishy’s old swim trunks (size 0-3 months) and put them on – picture to follow
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  • I pinned way too many things on Pinterest, lol
  • The boys learned a hard lesson about reality. Reality dictates that when you are told you must behave in order to go to your friend’s birthday party in the afternoon, that doesn’t mean use your plates as frisbees and break one of them (Squishy), eat the food mom specifically set aside for her lunch and then lie and claim your brother did it (Jose), open your father’s computer and mess around on it while mom’s in the bathroom (Squishy), scream at your brother repeatedly at the top of your lungs (Jose), or continue to take your brother’s toys over and over and over after being told to knock it off (Squishy.)  They didn’t get to go to the birthday party.
  • I got my Facebook timeline, which I personally LOVE
  • The boys’ grandpa on Daddy’s side passed away (Oct 11, 2011) after having serious health issues for what seems like forever, and Jose was extremely upset that he didn’t get a chance to see him again before he died – cried for a long time 😥
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  • Jose had some night-time accidents out of the blue, but then stopped again (praise God!)
  • Squishy and I made awesome Halloween crafts at the YMCA
  • Squishy and I had a playdate with/babysat two adorable kiddos
  • My friend’s father went missing and was just found yesterday after six months of intense prayer and searching – his family is obviously saddened at the loss, but rejoicing that they know where his is and where he is spending eternity
  • Jose got sick and had to miss his first day of school, but got well and went back the next day to do his school’s Harvest Walk during which he walked 4.63 miles in 2 hours – he also won a giftcard for having the most sponsors of all the Kindergartners
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  • Squishy and I found a Starbucks gift card hiding in an old envelope and went out to get a treat
  • The boys lost a half a roll of stamps – it was found 5 1/2 months later
  • We all went to Flagstaff and enjoyed some time with Badi and Pop-pop – carved awesome pumpkins while we were there.  Jose had to go back to Phoenix for school, of course, and unfortunately, we ended up with no pictures of him on Halloween because the cameras were in Flagstaff and he wasn’t!  He was a doctor again, though, so we can just copy the ones from last year, lol. 😉

November 2011

  • Jose learned how to ride his bike without training wheels!!  He went from training wheels to pushing off, riding all up and down the street, and stopping all in one day!
  • Jose lost a 2nd tooth (November 8) – right next to the other one.  No more loose ones since then, though
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  • Aunt Laurla graduated with her nursing degree – woo hoo!!!
  • Jose learned how to be even more of a smart-ass.  Case in point: “Daddy: Do you want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Jose: No. Daddy: You don’t?? Jose: No. Daddy: Well, what DO you want? Jose: A poke in the eye with a sharp stick.”  Ha ha ha ha!!! 😀
  • Jose was blessed with a gift (to be kept till Christmas) from an anonymous donor – the one thing he had specifically been talking about wanting, the Littlest Pet Shop Rescue Tails Center  ❤
  • Jose and I made apple pie
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  • We celebrated Thanksgiving with EVERYONE!  Not all at the same time, but we saw my family and Daddy’s family, including the boys’ older half-siblings and their families
  • We celebrated Daddy’s birthday (Mommy and Daddy got to try out the new AMC dine-in theater and Studio Movie Grill – so cool!)
  • I pinned way too many more things to Pinterest
  • Squishy and I went to the mall with friends and he played Monkey Preschool Lunchbox for a good 20 minutes at least while they got help at the Apple store
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December 2011

  • We all tried out the fire pit at Badi and Pop-pop’s house
  • Squishy got sick and had to have breathing treatments – fortunately, we already have the machine and everything we need at home!
  • Got pictures with Santa and his (giant) Elf at the YMCA
  • Pinned a butt-load more things to Pinterest
  • Discovered Erin Condren
  • Aunt Eggy graduated from college!!!!  Woo hoo!  Jose got an awesome hat while there
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  • Jose’s Kindergarten class had a Cowboy Christmas Party at McCormick Railroad Park, for which Badi bought him INCREDIBLE cowboy boots – Aunt Laurla got to go with him!
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  • Squishy fell off the toilet and bashed his head on the toilet paper holder – it wasn’t bad, but he bled like a stuck pig and I was scared out of my mind
  • Jose and I made an awesome Christmas gift for his teacher
  • The biscuits exploded in our fridge
  • We celebrated an AMAZING Christmas
  • Jose perfected his spiral football pass to Uncle Jimmy (henceforth referred to as “Dude”, thanks to Squishy) whild he was in town
  • We (the adults) went to the Insight Bowl game and witnessed the trouncing of the Iowa Hawkeyes – the boys got to be babysat by Aunt Laurla, which they loved!

January 2012

  • Squishy and I went and visited Ms. Jess – always a great time when we do that!!!  Love her  ❤
  • Jose got to have a playdate with his twin friends from preschool!
  • Pastor Frank left our church 😦
  • Jose went on a hike with Daddy, Badi, and Aunt Eggy
  • I inexplicably deleted everything off my external hard-drive and am still working on recovering files to this day – including all of my photos from around February 2011 through January 2012.  GO ME!!!

February 2012

  • Squishy got his 2nd official haircut – I hated it and probably won’t be taking him again till he has to go to Kindergarten
  • Jose and Squishy had a mud day – Squishy was covered from head to toe; I had to insist that Jose get dirty.  Those two!!  LOL!
  • Badi and I organized our entire book collection (well, not quite – we still need shelves for all of the early reader/picture books)
  • Jose had a Valentine’s celebration at school that I went in to help with; we also celebrated at home, of course
  • I got a new camera!
  • The boys played a lot of baseball and soccer, went on hikes, and went to the park – mostly with Badi and Aunt Eggy
  • Jose and Daddy went on a hike with Pastor Frank, because Jose really misses him and is hoping to stay his friend
  • Jose got fancied up for his “Elegant Event” at school
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  • The boys did a LOT of bike riding – even going a couple miles at a time with Daddy (well, Squishy sat in the seat on the back of Daddy’s bike for that, lol)
  • We discovered that Jose is an amazing artist
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  • Jose went and saw Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace in theaters with me – I saw it with my dad for my birthday 13 years ago
  • Squishy got to have his very first Dunkin Donut
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March 2012

  • Squishy and I went and spent the day with Ms. Jess and we got to see horses, too!
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  • The boys started soccer with Aunt Eggy as their coach – they love it but have a little bit of a hard time staying focused
  • Jose watched Labyrinth for the first time. He was completely engrossed and looked equal parts horrified and amused, lol!
  • Jose took part in his first art contest – it ended this past week and he didn’t win, but he did get tickets to see Van Gogh Live! at the Science Center
  • Daddy and I celebrated our 8th anniversary and Jose bought me flowers because he wanted me to know how much he loved me, lol
  • Dude and his girlfriend came and visited Phoenix and we had a great time with them – especially getting to know Ms. Caitie!
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  • The boys fell in love with Party Rock Anthem thanks to Kia’s Hamster commercial
  • Jose had his first “official” kiss – well, she actually kissed him, and it was at the prompting of the class troublemaker, but still… 😉
  • Jose got to go to Pump It Up to celebrate a friend’s birthday and had a BLAST!
  • Aunt Eggy and I took the boys to see The Lorax – even Squishy did pretty good despite asking if the movie was done 5 minutes into it
  • Jose sent Flat Stanley to Dude in North Carolina
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  • Badi and I had to tell Jose the story of Adam Walsh. He just will not stay by me in stores lately – insists on disappearing and he about gave me a heart attack in Bookmans. I was a little worried it would give him nightmares (it didn’t seem to), but honestly? When the other option is him being kidnapped, I’ll take a few nightmares any day. 😐
  • We got an iPad.  Enough said.
  • Jose went to another friend’s birthday party – this one at a park and hosted by High 5 Sports (it was supposed to have been the day after his other one, but was postponed due to rain.) Since Momma and Daddy were leaving for Flagstaff that day, he got to be picked up after school by his friend’s mom.  He felt so grown up. :mrgreen:
  • We spent Spring Break in Flagstaff in a BIG condo – Badi and Pop-pop joined us for a few days. We went to the park, played sports, hiked, saw Indian ruins – all kinds of fun!!  Jose’s favorite part was getting to use our hot tub, lol.
  • Jose discovered Tim Hawkins.  He is in love.  Ha ha!

April 2012:

  • The boys started swim lessons – Squishy in the pool with Aunt Eggy, Jose in the pool independently, of course
  • Squishy got sick and have to have breathing treatments again, but he got better really quick!
  • Daddy and I finished the boys’ re-purposed crib chalkboard desk just in time for Easter!
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  • We celebrated Easter in style – egg and basket search at home; Sunday School, Eggstravaganza, and service at church; another egg search (real eggs, this time!) at Badi and Pop-pop’s house; dinner with everyone at our house
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And now you’re all caught up!!!  And so am I.  WHEW!!! 😛

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